Some Thoughts

I have a frustration. That frustration is when people update the world every waking minute with their multitude of uncontrolled feelings. My preference is a “feelings in control” type of existence. With the whirlwind of life going on the past few months, I have utterly failed in my attempts to “control life”. Sounds suspiciously of God showing more of his greatness to me…
Anyway, because of my propensity to insist on control, I think I fail to be honest with how I feel or what is going on. I may say things are hard, but I’ll be okay. This is true, but in all honesty, sometimes it doesn’t really feel like it will all be okay. I have decided to attempt a new approach to this crazy phenomenon entitled life. Balance! Hehe….a novel idea, I’m sure. Anyway, a balance between being up front and honest with people about what is going on and working through the things that are going on in order to come to a healthy, correct place.

So, here goes the attempt at balance…..
#1-Frustration: It feels like my best friends have moved to another country. I suppose they sort of have. To the country of “Ihaveaboyfriendnow”. My 2 besties are utterly happy in relationships that started in the past 1 to 3 months. And my sis, E, is also happy with her awesome guy who rocks the mullet. 🙂 I am happy for them. I pray for growth and blessing in those relationships, but I admit some frustration at the timing of their blessings. Selfish? Most possibly yes, but I feel like I have never wanted a friend more than I do now, and they are most definitely otherwise occupied. Everyone has their significant other except mine who is also in another country. This one called “Navyshipshavezerowaystocommunicate”.
I hear You say,
“My love is over. It’s underneath.
It’s inside. It’s in between.
The times you doubt Me, when you can’t feel.
The times that you question, ‘Is this for real? ‘
The times you’re broken.
The times that you mend.

#2-People just don’t get it. I understand that most of the world has never done this, so you have an excuse to be idiotic, but please understand, world, that you piss me off sometimes. Just because my husband is “only” gone for 6 months doesn’t make it a million times easier. I miss him even when he isn’t in Afghanistan, a more dangerous place than he is now. Please don’t think I am exaggerating when I talk about missing him.I know we’ve only been married a few months, but that doesn’t mean I don’t notice most hours of the day that I am alone, without my other half with me or somewhere closer than a few continents away. I am sorry you and said significant other had an argument, but, honestly, I would give just about anything to have an argument with my guy right now. It would be a priviledge to talk to him. Even if we were yelling a little bit…. 🙂 I hold it together well most of the time, but I will admit to feeling like I’m losing it.
The times that you hate Me, and the times that you bend.
Well, My love is over, it’s underneath.
It’s inside, it’s in between.
These times you’re healing, and when your heart breaks.
The times that you feel like you’re falling from grace.
The times you’re hurting.
The times that you heal.
The times you go hungry, and are tempted to steal.
The times of confusion, in chaos and pain.

#3-God, sometimes I feel like you don’t “deserve” my trust. Okay, before I get “struck by lightning”, let me clarify. I know that what I feel doesn’t make sense, but sometimes I honestly just feel that way. Where are you in some of these thing that happen? B going missing and then learning a few days later we will never see her smile again. S’s baby desperately clinging to life. Seeing people we love struggling with pain and sickness. Girls counting down the days only to learn their guy is never coming back. What does your sovereignty mean in all of this madness? Sometimes it is extra hard to see you, God….
I’m there in your sorrow, under the weight of your shame.
I’m there through your heartache.
I’m there in the storm.
My love I will keep you, by My pow’r alone.
I don’t care where you fall, where you have been.
I’ll never forsake you, My love never ends.
It never ends.”

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