Blatant Honesty

Can I be brutally honest? Stop saying the things that I know I should say or do the things that I know I should do and just have a freak out session. No, I’m not really asking permission. I’m just issuing a warning.

Could one thing go right? Please? Just one thing? God, I don’t get why you are doing all of this. None of it makes sense. I keep hearing all about your love and how I can trust you and how you will always be there for me, but honestly, I totally don’t feel it right now. At all. Everything is falling apart. People are falling apart. The world feels very heavy and sad. And I am struggling to find hope. And once I finally admit I need someone, there seems to be nobody there. So far all I’ve been successful at is a wild attempt to stay so busy I forget my problems. But that has failed miserably. My problems merely crash into my brain while I am sleeping. I try to steel myself and figure out a time frame of the amount of days I have to push through. But I fall on my butt the minute I realize how long I would have to be strong for.

God, I don’t know what you’re shooting for. I’ll be honest: I give up. I give up on saying the right thing at the right time. I give up on words that have no meaning. I give up on a fake smile. I cling to the hope that it will be better and there will be rest. That you will speak and the world will be as it should be with people in the places they should be. Until then, I leave the rest up to you. You have to show up and help.

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