Thoughts

I once said that it is a choice between making yourself numb and feeling the cuts. It is a difference between not running and your lungs feeling nothing or running and letting your lungs scream for oxygen. My mouth feels like it is full of metal, and I feel the muscles in my leg with each stride. But the satisfaction and feeling of being alive that I get after running those 13 miles makes it all worth it. So I make the choice to feel that pain. In that, I have also made the choice to feel. Which in actuality, I have realized, is a choice to live.
Then I realize that this is completely different in action than it is in words. When your heart physically hurts–feels full of lead–you realize maybe you’d rather not let yourself be cut. When swallowing and holding tears back is a chore you realize maybe that 13 miles is a bit too long. I go numb because handling the whole weight of it is something I cannot stand up under. Then I see you and my mind screams against everything. I love you so much I wish I could fix the hurt. I do not want you to be numb, but I do not want you to feel cut. Please let me see you, but I am afraid of you being broken.
Sometimes I believe that the whole earth is full of His glory. That is after I see a sunset or watch the waves crash on the rocks. Sometimes I believe we are too broken to hold His glory. This is after I see what we do to each other. Then I realize the Spirit of the Lord is upon me. It is upon me as a broken person. It is upon me as a numb person. There is beauty in this world. There is pain. What will I look at? Will I look at the justice or the injustice? I will dance upon injustice and praise Him for the justice. I will see the beauty. The waves crashing on the rocks. The orange and purple sunsets. The look I remember in my Osiemo’s eyes when we were swing dancing. The feeling I get when I think of feeling the weight of His presence.

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