Looking Back

Looking back at past notebooks I’ve kept, and realizing how much a situation can change us for good if we let God work. Praise God for turning the broken into the beautiful.

They say there is growth in pain and courage to be gained through experiencing fear. I will be scared but keep fighting. I’m not looking for perfection. I just don’t understand why my relationship with God is always me breaking. Then I can only run to Him and have Him put me back together. I don’t see how a person who is glued together and scarred is beautiful. He says it is, but I guess I would rather be ugly and whole.
And this isn’t broken. This is waiting to be broken. This is waiting to be hurt. This is just biding time until what I feel is inevitable happens.
I woke up this morning and no one was home. Right away I thought about the next few years, what I might be doing, and how I might be alone. It’s not like I’m constantly interacting with the people I love. I am just comforted by proximity and availability.
Yeah right to the next person who tells me to forget the past, keep moving on, and I will be restored. I’ll never be restored when I break. I’ll look broken and fixed all my life. Who I am is my brokenness. I’m shaped by the pain, mistakes, and letdowns in life. There’s no being restored from those things. Maybe I’ll always be fearful because one too many times have I been used for what could be had and left when something better came along. The product of being treated like that just doesn’t go away. It becomes who I am.
I wish I could scrape off the pain that a situation could cause and put it in a jar. Then I’d scrape off the joy it produces and put it in another jar. I’d look and see which one had more in it. If there was more joy, I’d go for it and enjoy what I’d been blessed with. If there was more pain, I guess I’d just walk away and not live that aspect of life. Sure, I’d be alone, but there wouldn’t be pain. Eventually I’d get used to it, and not feeling joy would be better than feeling pain.
I can’t believe I got attached…Am I supposed to be attached? What am I supposed to feel like? Am I supposed to be fearful and not worried?
If it’s not going to work, let’s end it now. Before it becomes increasingly a part of my life, let’s dig it up. Before it hurts more. But I’m not supposed to be fearful. Impossible. Every part of me is fearful at this point.

So, that was impressively non edited. I only took out a few things. I wrote this a while back in regards to a friendship I had that was really hurtful. It is good to look back at this though and see how I’ve changed. I am back to embracing brokenness, because I know that the way I treat it dictates how it shapes me. Embracing the joy and difficulties in life causes me to grow. Pushing it away and trying to avoid it can cause bitterness. I realize that God is capable of making anything beautiful regardless of the ugliness that sin can bestow on it.

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